Going Home

I have been wondering since last Thursday how I should start this blog, how I was going to address what needs to be talked about, and how I was going to share my updated medical prognosis.  I knew what I was going to be told.  I knew how I was feeling and I know the ache inside of me to get home is getting stronger and stronger.  I need to be home with my daughter, my family, my childhood friends, my soul sisters, and be in the place I spent 32 years of my life.  I have been incredibly blessed these two years and three days that I have lived in BC.  I have had so much living, laughing & loving happen while I have been in Port McNeill.  It is a small town full of truly wonderful people who care about one another and who band together for the ones they love, care for and are there for eachother in times of need.  I am happy and honoured to call Port McNeill my second home.  I have met some really special people here, including the love of my life, my husband Rob.

It is time for me to go home.  Back to the place I was born, raised, schooled, where I made my greatest mistakes and learned my biggest lessons.  Where I had my first crush, my first argument with my parents, my first job, my first kiss.  The place where I remember writing check yes or no notes to friends in grade school.  Back to where I raised my daughter so perfectly with her father.  We always put her first, even after we were no longer together.  We knew we chose to have her, that it was up to us to be the adults and raise her the exact same way in both households.  To never put her in the middle of anything. Because of our conscious effort, not only did we raise a beautiful, smart, kind, loving, strong, independent girl, but, her father and I have an amazing and beautiful friendship that I cherish beyond words.  ***pat on our backs***

I went down to Vancouver on Tuesday, had an MRI scheduled for Wednesday and then an appt. with my oncologist on Thursday.  I spent time with my old friend Jenn from back home who now lives in White Rock.  It was a glorious 6 days spent reminiscing about being kids, high school, and our friendship.  It was also 6 days full of laughs and smiles provided free of charge from her two kids.  The bond she has with her husband is so strong, so evident and they love to laugh with one another.   I did not want to come home and they did not want me to leave....I needed her, she needed me.

 Thursday I was told there is cancer in my brain and that the cancer is spreading through my body very rapidly.  Like I said, I knew I was going to hear this.  I don't like asking for help or admitting when I am not feeling good.   The night before I left, I told my husband that I was not doing well and that my heart is calling to get home.  I told my doctor that I really wanted to get home and she said I should go now.  I made sure that she was aware that I did not mean for a visit but because that was where I wanted to be when I died.  She understood and told me I should be getting home as soon as possible.  I told her that my hubby could probably take three months off of work and I asked when should he come to Ontario and she said he should come with me now.  She told me that, ethically, she could not give me a timeline but she knows its more than a couple weeks but definitely less than a year.  She made sure I understood how fast it was moving and that I should get home while I am still able to enjoy my time with everyone.  With the cancer being in the brain, who knows what that will affect.  I really got the feeling even prior to talking to her, that this was what I was going to hear.  My soul just wants to be home.  She told me that if there is the slight chance I will still be here in three months she will write a letter to Rob's employer but I let her know that is the last thing we are going to worry about.  I am sorry for having to share such sad news but it is what it is.  I can't change it but I will still fight for time and choose to spend the rest of my days happy and with the ones I love.


Anyone that has talked to me since Thursday or who has seen me knows that I am at peace with what is and I just want to make this easier for everyone else. That all I want to do is get home and "just be" with everyone.  My daughter needs me and I need her.  In the midst of this terrible news, I got a call from the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation asking for some time to chat.  Of course, I had a ton of time and we ended up talking about why Rob & I chose to use their "Tie the Knot Wedding Program" for our wedding.  I told her my story, how I was in talks with someone from there before being re-diagnosed to be a speaker for the organization and told her my news from the day before.  She then asked me if I would do them the honour of being the face for the program and if she could use my story as the human element.  I absolutely said yes and now we are going to be working out the details in the next month.


I know I should be sad right now but all I feel is incredibly blessed, honoured and beyond happy to be a part of something that can raise alot of funds for breast cancer research and awareness.  At our wedding alone, between the "in lieu of favours" and the "kiss for the cure" we raised over $850.00 with a wedding of 70 people.  If we could do that...imagine the possibilities other brides have to collectively raise of alot funds with this program.  It is a beautiful legacy to leave and something that will bring us one step closer to a world without breast cancer.


Everything happens for a reason...we may not know the reasons at the time or maybe not even for a long time afterwards but I truly believe in this.  If I can see the positive in the negative, even at a time when most would be devastated, I think everyone could...and should try to do the same!


If anything, the stubborn side of me is going to come out and you will see me around Sioux much longer than anticipated and I will be smiling my happy smile, hugging everyone I know and sharing my heart with everyone....that is who I am!  I am proud of the person I am and above all, I am excited to get home...


Living, Laughing & Loving!