Life and all things beyond the here & now

My husband said something to me the other day that has really got me thinking and now my creative side wants to come out and try to explain something that is, in some ways, unexplainable.  But, I am going to do my best and I find that happens when I just let the feelings flow from my heart; my soul.  So here goes.

Rob and I got into a conversation on Sunday about how I am reacting to all that is going on with me.  He stated something like "he has not seen me break down" and "that is seems like I am 'too' ok with all this".  We ended up having a really, really long discussion about life and life after death.  Ever since we had that talk, I've been thinking about everyone else and realized that if my husband is feeling this way...is this what others think as well?  These are my thoughts that I would like to share with you all.

I guess I will start with that, yes, I do have some moments where I completely and totally break down, cry for what I am not going to have, what I am going to miss out on.  I wonder how the people around me and love me are going to be without me.  Sometimes, I can be going along cleaning the house, creeping on facebook {we ALL do it, lol}, reading or just relaxing and a song will come on that will bring me to a past moment in my life and I cry big fat elephant tears. 

These moments tend to happen when I am alone.  When I do not have to worry about other peoples feelings or how they will react to my sadness.  I understand these moments are normal reactions to a shitty situation.  I am someone that deals with the "big" things in life by spending time alone, letting my thoughts flow and getting into myself.  I naturally do this when people are not around, so I can feel my emotions, and not theirs, as I am very sensitive to feelings and body language.  The main point I want to start with is that I do not want this reality for myself, but it is, what it is. 

I allow myself to have those moments.  If I did not, I would begin to question if I really was being honest with myself about "accepting" what is.  I truly believe it is important to allow yourself to feel your feelings, sit in them and then move forward from them.  I think the problem most people have is that they do not know how to move forward and tend to get stuck in the "sitting in it" part.

When Rob and I were talking, I explained to him that even though I do not particularly like what is to be my future; I also do not fear it.  I am no stranger to death and having someone close to me pass on.  In my life, I have lost both sets of grandparents, 4 uncles, some good friends from cancer and from car accidents.  I have lost an uncle and a cousin {who was like a brother and best friend to me} to suicide.  Death has been a part of my life. 

The death of my cousin shook me to my core and changed a part of me for a long time.  But it was also through his death that I have felt more connected with something more than what is here.  This is where the explaining part gets hard. 

How does someone articulate their spiritual beliefs?  There is just an innate knowing, within the depths of my soul, that even if I will be leaving this world...I will still be here.  I will be here for my husband, daughter, family and friends.  They will know I am with them...I will make sure of it. 

These are a few things that have happened to me that makes me believe in something more:

1.  Ever since the first day my cousin died, my eyes revert to the clock at 11:11 both in the morning and evening...no matter what I am doing.  Many people have been witness to this.  Kelly's favorite number was 11.  I feel extremely close to him at that time.  It makes me smile everytime it happens and I tell him I love him.

2.  When Celine and I were heading to Thunder Bay for my 3rd chemo my first diagnosis, I was telling her how I have always felt Kelly around me, everyday...since the day he died.  I proceeded to tell her that through my diagnosis and treatments, I didn't feel him there and how sad that made me.  She brought up the "Footprints in the Sand" analogy and that maybe I didn't feel him because he was carrying me through this.  At that moment, hundreds of butterflies flew from the hood of my truck and over the windshield.  We did not hurt one of them and we looked at eachother, tears in our eyes and said "he is here".

3.  When Jaimee was a newborn she would stare at the big blue chair that use to be Al's dads when he was sick.  When she looked at that chair...she would smile, giggle the biggest giggle and reach out to something that was not there.

4.  A friend of my mom had a dream about Jaimees' grandpa around that time and then she relayed the dream back to me.  It is too personal to talk about but she said things that he told her to tell us that she would have no way of knowing and when she finished telling me, a cupboard door slammed shut.

5.  Me and Celine joke all the time about how our souls play well together so we gave them names...we call them Mable & Martha.  When I was going into my first "big" reconstruction surgery, I didn't get a chance to talk to Celine.  That girl is my soul sister.  I knew she was thinking about me and hoping everything went well.  When I got out of the surgery and was brought to my room, two young nurses came in; Rob was there. They were talking to one another and then they said eachothers name.  As I heard them, my eyes widened and I said, "excuse me, can you say your names again?", They repeated themselves and I asked Rob if they just said  "Mable & Martha" just to make sure it wasn't the drugs.  He told me that I had heard correctly, they smiled, left the room and we never seen them again in my three day stay there.  I feel that even in life, at any given moment we are connected.  Celine's soul connected with mine that day to show me she was there with me.

6.  When I moved here, one of my uncle's passed away from brain cancer not long after.  I could not make it home and I was feeling alone, sad and longing for my family.  I lived in my little apartment across from the ferry terminal, with the ocean ten steps away and the coast mountains in the distance.  I had a huge urge to go sit outside, as water makes me feel close to those that are no longer with me.  I went and sat at the bench across from my place and thought about my uncle.  As I was doing that, an eagle flew towards me and perched itself on the railing right in front of me.  It stared at me.  A huge feeling of peace flowed through me.  It was like I was told my uncle was more than ok, that he was soaring above us, free of pain and that he did not want us to be sad for him.  When I went home to tell my family about the second diagnosis, I told my cousins and aunt about my experience.  They proceeded to tell me that during his funeral there was an eagle soaring above them the whole time.  It was something that made us all feel close to him and trust he is still with us. 

I could go on and on about the experiences I have had.  I am positive, however, that I have you thinking about the moments in your life that connects you to someone important to you & that is no longer here. I hope I have you thinking about those moments that most people call "random" events that happen.  You know, those ones that make you feel close to a friend who is living far away or who has passed on.  We have all had those moments when you know who is calling before you even look at the call display or when you know something is going to happen before it does. 

All I can say is: I know, trust and feel within me and my whole being, there is so much more than this. I truly feel there is more than just this world and that our souls live on.  That is what makes me, in some small way, feel at peace with something I can not change or have no control over. 

I know when I pass from this life, I will be with the family and friends that are no longer here.  I also know I will be here for anyone that needs me at anytime.  I may not be seen or my hugs given but people can always go into their souls memory and feel my hug, my warm smile and/or words of encouragement.  I have solace in these thoughts. 

I know there are people out there who do not believe in something more than what is here and now and that there is nothing beyond this life.  To that, I say you have the right to your beliefs.  These beliefs are mine and I hold dear to them.  When that time comes for me, I will not be far, I will be a whisper away, I will be in the 11:11 moments, I will be there whenever you see a sign or the words "live, laugh, love", I will be there when needed and as often as needed.I will come in dreams, I will be there when you see pods of dolphins. 

Thank you for reading, no matter what your beliefs, I appreciate you allowing me to have mine.  Until that time comes for me, I will continue to live fully, happily & with a smile on my face.  I will continue to share a hug, a laugh and pieces of myself with all that I meet. I cherish all the moments in my life and will continue to do so; the best way possible...

In the words of Daughtry:
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter"! :D

Living, laughing & loving...always! :)