Well, here I am...recommitting to my blog. This time I have such an incredible "NEED" to write. To share my thoughts and feelings about the situation I am in. Some will not want to deal with or hear the words I write as the truth of them may be too real, too close to the heart or any reason that is perfectly ok for any individual to feel.
I am 34 years old. Just married in July. Mother to a wonderful 14 year old young lady. Stepmom to 2 boys 4 & 8. Wife to an incredible man. Love my friends like they are family...my family of the heart. I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, auntie. I have metastatic breast cancer. I am dying. That is a fact and that is a hard fact to process for some.
This blog may be more for me than anything. I always knew, even as a little girl, I would have a book out there in the world one day. I feel this is close enough. I feel this will share a truth that is hard to talk about, to comprehend for some, and something that could help others in my situation. I am hoping this will help the people that love me or the people that are going through this with someone they love.
I have been thinking about doing this for about three weeks or so and the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger and I know when that happens I am to trust my intuition and follow my truth. I will forewarn that this blog will be honest, and not all positive, I feel that if I am going to write I have to be as candid as possible. It is only the fair thing to do. I was looking at someones blog the other day and was more grateful for the tougher things that were obviously harder for her to write but it made me feel like I was less alone in how I was feeling.
I, for the most part, always think of the positive and choose to enter the door where there is laughter coming from it but there are times, like I have been feeling this week where I am sad, mad, question "why the fuck is this happening to me", how is my daughter doing...how will she deal with all this. That is what gets me the most...my beautiful daughter. I try not to think about that aspect of things. My heart breaks. I worry about the boys, especially Matthew. We are so close and I know he is soooooo angry about what is going with me. He does not know the extent of things at this time but he knows the cancer is back. His heart is broken, his emotions go back and forth from sad, mad, angry, loving and just wanting this to not be happening. He is my little man with a sensitive heart and I know it is breaking inside. Jacob is younger and I don't think he will truly understand the depth of things until he is older.
There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis, so many words of Shauna "wisdom's", lol! So many things I want to share while I can. I want to share the good and the bad because with honesty, it will hopefully help another young woman in my situation. it may help the friends and family of myself and others deal with and come to terms with their own feelings on a terrible situation and maybe...just maybe, help people understand what we may or may not need from them as our loved ones.
Death is a hard thing for people to deal with in the first place, throw in a younger person, mother, someone so brilliantly witty such as myself {haha}, and it makes things that much harder. I love life, the good and the bad of it, like no other. For every situation under the sun there is a lesson to be learned.
I want to share a piece of myself with you, I want to bring understanding, I want people to know that it is ok to be pissed off but it is also ok to have acceptance of what is and what will be. Life is what you make it...it does not matter how long you live but how well you live. Through the hardest times and mistakes you receive the most wonderful gift of learning from them, becoming a better person but most of all...you learn to truly love yourself, who you are, the defining moments {both good and bad} that make you who you are, and most of all, you learn to speak your truth because at the end of the day that is what matters.
So, I am asking for you to share in my experiences, my ups & downs, my happiness, my sadness, my moments that make my life mine. As I said, somethings may be too much. I have told myself if I am going to do this, I am going to be incredibly honest about what I am going through, my feelings and of course...live, laugh & love as much as I can through it all!
Lots of love! :)
I am 34 years old. Just married in July. Mother to a wonderful 14 year old young lady. Stepmom to 2 boys 4 & 8. Wife to an incredible man. Love my friends like they are family...my family of the heart. I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, auntie. I have metastatic breast cancer. I am dying. That is a fact and that is a hard fact to process for some.
This blog may be more for me than anything. I always knew, even as a little girl, I would have a book out there in the world one day. I feel this is close enough. I feel this will share a truth that is hard to talk about, to comprehend for some, and something that could help others in my situation. I am hoping this will help the people that love me or the people that are going through this with someone they love.
I have been thinking about doing this for about three weeks or so and the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger and I know when that happens I am to trust my intuition and follow my truth. I will forewarn that this blog will be honest, and not all positive, I feel that if I am going to write I have to be as candid as possible. It is only the fair thing to do. I was looking at someones blog the other day and was more grateful for the tougher things that were obviously harder for her to write but it made me feel like I was less alone in how I was feeling.
I, for the most part, always think of the positive and choose to enter the door where there is laughter coming from it but there are times, like I have been feeling this week where I am sad, mad, question "why the fuck is this happening to me", how is my daughter doing...how will she deal with all this. That is what gets me the most...my beautiful daughter. I try not to think about that aspect of things. My heart breaks. I worry about the boys, especially Matthew. We are so close and I know he is soooooo angry about what is going with me. He does not know the extent of things at this time but he knows the cancer is back. His heart is broken, his emotions go back and forth from sad, mad, angry, loving and just wanting this to not be happening. He is my little man with a sensitive heart and I know it is breaking inside. Jacob is younger and I don't think he will truly understand the depth of things until he is older.
There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis, so many words of Shauna "wisdom's", lol! So many things I want to share while I can. I want to share the good and the bad because with honesty, it will hopefully help another young woman in my situation. it may help the friends and family of myself and others deal with and come to terms with their own feelings on a terrible situation and maybe...just maybe, help people understand what we may or may not need from them as our loved ones.
Death is a hard thing for people to deal with in the first place, throw in a younger person, mother, someone so brilliantly witty such as myself {haha}, and it makes things that much harder. I love life, the good and the bad of it, like no other. For every situation under the sun there is a lesson to be learned.
I want to share a piece of myself with you, I want to bring understanding, I want people to know that it is ok to be pissed off but it is also ok to have acceptance of what is and what will be. Life is what you make it...it does not matter how long you live but how well you live. Through the hardest times and mistakes you receive the most wonderful gift of learning from them, becoming a better person but most of all...you learn to truly love yourself, who you are, the defining moments {both good and bad} that make you who you are, and most of all, you learn to speak your truth because at the end of the day that is what matters.
So, I am asking for you to share in my experiences, my ups & downs, my happiness, my sadness, my moments that make my life mine. As I said, somethings may be too much. I have told myself if I am going to do this, I am going to be incredibly honest about what I am going through, my feelings and of course...live, laugh & love as much as I can through it all!
Lots of love! :)
You are an amazing human being :) You make others want to be better people, that is one of your many gifts to this world.
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