I have been wondering since last Thursday how I should start this blog, how I was going to address what needs to be talked about, and how I was going to share my updated medical prognosis. I knew what I was going to be told. I knew how I was feeling and I know the ache inside of me to get home is getting stronger and stronger. I need to be home with my daughter, my family, my childhood friends, my soul sisters, and be in the place I spent 32 years of my life. I have been incredibly blessed these two years and three days that I have lived in BC. I have had so much living, laughing & loving happen while I have been in Port McNeill. It is a small town full of truly wonderful people who care about one another and who band together for the ones they love, care for and are there for eachother in times of need. I am happy and honoured to call Port McNeill my second home. I have met some really special people here, including the love of my life, my husband Rob.
It is time for me to go home. Back to the place I was born, raised, schooled, where I made my greatest mistakes and learned my biggest lessons. Where I had my first crush, my first argument with my parents, my first job, my first kiss. The place where I remember writing check yes or no notes to friends in grade school. Back to where I raised my daughter so perfectly with her father. We always put her first, even after we were no longer together. We knew we chose to have her, that it was up to us to be the adults and raise her the exact same way in both households. To never put her in the middle of anything. Because of our conscious effort, not only did we raise a beautiful, smart, kind, loving, strong, independent girl, but, her father and I have an amazing and beautiful friendship that I cherish beyond words. ***pat on our backs***
I went down to Vancouver on Tuesday, had an MRI scheduled for Wednesday and then an appt. with my oncologist on Thursday. I spent time with my old friend Jenn from back home who now lives in White Rock. It was a glorious 6 days spent reminiscing about being kids, high school, and our friendship. It was also 6 days full of laughs and smiles provided free of charge from her two kids. The bond she has with her husband is so strong, so evident and they love to laugh with one another. I did not want to come home and they did not want me to leave....I needed her, she needed me.
Thursday I was told there is cancer in my brain and that the cancer is spreading through my body very rapidly. Like I said, I knew I was going to hear this. I don't like asking for help or admitting when I am not feeling good. The night before I left, I told my husband that I was not doing well and that my heart is calling to get home. I told my doctor that I really wanted to get home and she said I should go now. I made sure that she was aware that I did not mean for a visit but because that was where I wanted to be when I died. She understood and told me I should be getting home as soon as possible. I told her that my hubby could probably take three months off of work and I asked when should he come to Ontario and she said he should come with me now. She told me that, ethically, she could not give me a timeline but she knows its more than a couple weeks but definitely less than a year. She made sure I understood how fast it was moving and that I should get home while I am still able to enjoy my time with everyone. With the cancer being in the brain, who knows what that will affect. I really got the feeling even prior to talking to her, that this was what I was going to hear. My soul just wants to be home. She told me that if there is the slight chance I will still be here in three months she will write a letter to Rob's employer but I let her know that is the last thing we are going to worry about. I am sorry for having to share such sad news but it is what it is. I can't change it but I will still fight for time and choose to spend the rest of my days happy and with the ones I love.
Anyone that has talked to me since Thursday or who has seen me knows that I am at peace with what is and I just want to make this easier for everyone else. That all I want to do is get home and "just be" with everyone. My daughter needs me and I need her. In the midst of this terrible news, I got a call from the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation asking for some time to chat. Of course, I had a ton of time and we ended up talking about why Rob & I chose to use their "Tie the Knot Wedding Program" for our wedding. I told her my story, how I was in talks with someone from there before being re-diagnosed to be a speaker for the organization and told her my news from the day before. She then asked me if I would do them the honour of being the face for the program and if she could use my story as the human element. I absolutely said yes and now we are going to be working out the details in the next month.
I know I should be sad right now but all I feel is incredibly blessed, honoured and beyond happy to be a part of something that can raise alot of funds for breast cancer research and awareness. At our wedding alone, between the "in lieu of favours" and the "kiss for the cure" we raised over $850.00 with a wedding of 70 people. If we could do that...imagine the possibilities other brides have to collectively raise of alot funds with this program. It is a beautiful legacy to leave and something that will bring us one step closer to a world without breast cancer.
Everything happens for a reason...we may not know the reasons at the time or maybe not even for a long time afterwards but I truly believe in this. If I can see the positive in the negative, even at a time when most would be devastated, I think everyone could...and should try to do the same!
If anything, the stubborn side of me is going to come out and you will see me around Sioux much longer than anticipated and I will be smiling my happy smile, hugging everyone I know and sharing my heart with everyone....that is who I am! I am proud of the person I am and above all, I am excited to get home...
Living, Laughing & Loving!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Choices...
It's been a while since I have written. It was a great christmas with all the kids...my heart was incredibly happy. Seattle was a fantastic time spent with my love Jaimee. We saw the Rockettes perform and we had centre front row seats to the Seattle Pacific Ballet's performance of "The Nutcracker". That was amazing to say the least. The orchestra was right in front of us and the performance was unbelievable. Jaim and I both think it was one of the best things we have ever watched and I am happy it stirred in her the love of the performing arts and the rich culture available to her.
As wonderful of a trip Seattle was; it had its hard moments. I had to tell my beautiful daughter that things are progressing faster than originally anticipated. It hurt so much to see her heart break; words can't even describe. I hate what my family, friends and loved ones have to go through because of this stupid disease. I also feel there is a reason for everything under the sun. I hope that because of my story people will trust their instincts when they know something is wrong with their bodies. To do everything they can to fight for themselves! At the end of the day; if you can't fight for yourself, no matter what anybody else does or believes, it won't matter. You have to be your biggest advocate, fact checker, cheerleader and supporter.
Everyone says that I am different, how I choose to be is different, that I am stronger than most, that because I am younger it's easier for me. To that, I say "Bullshit". I think every human being has it in them to tap into that piece of themselves. The part that chooses to think about what they can gain from each and every experience...both positive and negative. The part that will always believe in who they "truly" are inside even when the cards are stacked against them, whether that be from self-sabatoge or things out of thier own control.
When people start to realize how they react to a situation is more than half of the battle, that is when we may see actual change in this world. I do not believe in the "woah is me" attitude. I do not want or need sympathy. I think that people need to be realistic to the facts, do whatever they can to work through them and then the choice is yours to take the road that goes to "Negative-town" or "Positive-ville". I will always choose Positive-ville and I am finding it harder and harder for me to deal with people that choose to take the other road. I am not special in how I think, I think I am someone that will hopefully help people realize that for every down, there is an up.
Yes, I am am dying. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is getting worse daily. Yes, I think it is unfair and my heart breaks for all I am going to miss out on and what that means to my family & friends. But, I can't dwell on those things. I'd go crazy and drive the ones around me crazy at the same time. A pity party is 100% non productive! If I chose to sit in those negative feelings; I am positive nothing good will come out of it. Instead, I am focused on being happy. I find a reason to smile everyday. I fight for my life. I love hard. I am incredibly blessed despite the negatives in my life. I can not change how things played out. I can only choose to learn, grow, fight for what was and what will be, to smile, laugh, and be here for as long as possible sharing and hoping to make a difference in how people think and react to any situation they are given. I will NOT give up on myself.
I have learned some valueable lessons the past couple weeks and the biggest one being that being around negative talk and trying to fight for someone who won't fight for themselves is useless. I need to focus on the positive, and worry about myself, my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.
I was told last week I am no longer allowed to drive due to some vision issues I have going on. The sense of independance I feel I lost sucks but I am not letting that get me down. I am happy knowing there are warm, positive, beautiful souled people I can call on, any day or time and they will help me while my husband is away at work. I have a brain MRI scheduled for Friday and I am not anticipating good news but I know I will deal with what is, head on, fighting for myself and staying as present as possible for as long as possible. I am sure some words on here are jumbled and I know it has taken me three days to write this one post because I have trouble seeing, remembering words, names, etc. but I also knew I was going to finish it. I also know I will be writing more. I will not give up on myself, I know the odds are stacked against me because of my age and my hormones running around like crazy. Above all, I know I feel good about the choices I have made for myself thus far. I know there are days when I have more pain then others. I know I am really tired some days and not so much other days. I know I find a way and reason to share a happy thought, word or smile no matter what kind of day I am having.
Cancer is like a terrrible rollercoaster but I choose to be as fully present yet as free of pain as possible. I choose to smile and to not believe everything I hear/read unless I have the facts from my oncologist to go with it. I am beyond happy to have a support centre of people who focus on the positive, that trusts I know what is best for myself and who refuse to give up on me...I refuse to give up on me! I finally have doctors that do everything they can to give me the facts I need, do the tests that need to be done and based on how much those tests results have changed from the last, I can make my decisions and have concrete answers of what I am dealing with in regards to the progression of this disease. I fought for the doctors I have, I told them my needs & wants, I fight for the tests I feel I need & I fight to make sure they are honest with me. I am blessed for the team of doctors I have in my corner.
Ultimately, what I do is wake up each and every day with the intention to live my life as fully present as possible and as positive as possible. What I wonder is why would anyone choose anything different for themselves?
I am not special...I am consciously making a choice!
Now tell me...how would you rather live?
Seems like a simple answer to me...
~~~Live, Laugh & Love~~~
Beautiful version of "Wild Horses" by a woman who believed in the beauty of her dreams, never gave up and is now living fully in the present of her life...Susan Boyle.
Her rendition stirs my soul in a way I can't describe.
As wonderful of a trip Seattle was; it had its hard moments. I had to tell my beautiful daughter that things are progressing faster than originally anticipated. It hurt so much to see her heart break; words can't even describe. I hate what my family, friends and loved ones have to go through because of this stupid disease. I also feel there is a reason for everything under the sun. I hope that because of my story people will trust their instincts when they know something is wrong with their bodies. To do everything they can to fight for themselves! At the end of the day; if you can't fight for yourself, no matter what anybody else does or believes, it won't matter. You have to be your biggest advocate, fact checker, cheerleader and supporter.
Everyone says that I am different, how I choose to be is different, that I am stronger than most, that because I am younger it's easier for me. To that, I say "Bullshit". I think every human being has it in them to tap into that piece of themselves. The part that chooses to think about what they can gain from each and every experience...both positive and negative. The part that will always believe in who they "truly" are inside even when the cards are stacked against them, whether that be from self-sabatoge or things out of thier own control.
When people start to realize how they react to a situation is more than half of the battle, that is when we may see actual change in this world. I do not believe in the "woah is me" attitude. I do not want or need sympathy. I think that people need to be realistic to the facts, do whatever they can to work through them and then the choice is yours to take the road that goes to "Negative-town" or "Positive-ville". I will always choose Positive-ville and I am finding it harder and harder for me to deal with people that choose to take the other road. I am not special in how I think, I think I am someone that will hopefully help people realize that for every down, there is an up.
Yes, I am am dying. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is getting worse daily. Yes, I think it is unfair and my heart breaks for all I am going to miss out on and what that means to my family & friends. But, I can't dwell on those things. I'd go crazy and drive the ones around me crazy at the same time. A pity party is 100% non productive! If I chose to sit in those negative feelings; I am positive nothing good will come out of it. Instead, I am focused on being happy. I find a reason to smile everyday. I fight for my life. I love hard. I am incredibly blessed despite the negatives in my life. I can not change how things played out. I can only choose to learn, grow, fight for what was and what will be, to smile, laugh, and be here for as long as possible sharing and hoping to make a difference in how people think and react to any situation they are given. I will NOT give up on myself.
I have learned some valueable lessons the past couple weeks and the biggest one being that being around negative talk and trying to fight for someone who won't fight for themselves is useless. I need to focus on the positive, and worry about myself, my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.
I was told last week I am no longer allowed to drive due to some vision issues I have going on. The sense of independance I feel I lost sucks but I am not letting that get me down. I am happy knowing there are warm, positive, beautiful souled people I can call on, any day or time and they will help me while my husband is away at work. I have a brain MRI scheduled for Friday and I am not anticipating good news but I know I will deal with what is, head on, fighting for myself and staying as present as possible for as long as possible. I am sure some words on here are jumbled and I know it has taken me three days to write this one post because I have trouble seeing, remembering words, names, etc. but I also knew I was going to finish it. I also know I will be writing more. I will not give up on myself, I know the odds are stacked against me because of my age and my hormones running around like crazy. Above all, I know I feel good about the choices I have made for myself thus far. I know there are days when I have more pain then others. I know I am really tired some days and not so much other days. I know I find a way and reason to share a happy thought, word or smile no matter what kind of day I am having.
Cancer is like a terrrible rollercoaster but I choose to be as fully present yet as free of pain as possible. I choose to smile and to not believe everything I hear/read unless I have the facts from my oncologist to go with it. I am beyond happy to have a support centre of people who focus on the positive, that trusts I know what is best for myself and who refuse to give up on me...I refuse to give up on me! I finally have doctors that do everything they can to give me the facts I need, do the tests that need to be done and based on how much those tests results have changed from the last, I can make my decisions and have concrete answers of what I am dealing with in regards to the progression of this disease. I fought for the doctors I have, I told them my needs & wants, I fight for the tests I feel I need & I fight to make sure they are honest with me. I am blessed for the team of doctors I have in my corner.
Ultimately, what I do is wake up each and every day with the intention to live my life as fully present as possible and as positive as possible. What I wonder is why would anyone choose anything different for themselves?
I am not special...I am consciously making a choice!
Now tell me...how would you rather live?
Seems like a simple answer to me...
~~~Live, Laugh & Love~~~
Beautiful version of "Wild Horses" by a woman who believed in the beauty of her dreams, never gave up and is now living fully in the present of her life...Susan Boyle.
Her rendition stirs my soul in a way I can't describe.
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