It's been a while since I have written. It was a great christmas with all the kids...my heart was incredibly happy. Seattle was a fantastic time spent with my love Jaimee. We saw the Rockettes perform and we had centre front row seats to the Seattle Pacific Ballet's performance of "The Nutcracker". That was amazing to say the least. The orchestra was right in front of us and the performance was unbelievable. Jaim and I both think it was one of the best things we have ever watched and I am happy it stirred in her the love of the performing arts and the rich culture available to her.
As wonderful of a trip Seattle was; it had its hard moments. I had to tell my beautiful daughter that things are progressing faster than originally anticipated. It hurt so much to see her heart break; words can't even describe. I hate what my family, friends and loved ones have to go through because of this stupid disease. I also feel there is a reason for everything under the sun. I hope that because of my story people will trust their instincts when they know something is wrong with their bodies. To do everything they can to fight for themselves! At the end of the day; if you can't fight for yourself, no matter what anybody else does or believes, it won't matter. You have to be your biggest advocate, fact checker, cheerleader and supporter.
Everyone says that I am different, how I choose to be is different, that I am stronger than most, that because I am younger it's easier for me. To that, I say "Bullshit". I think every human being has it in them to tap into that piece of themselves. The part that chooses to think about what they can gain from each and every experience...both positive and negative. The part that will always believe in who they "truly" are inside even when the cards are stacked against them, whether that be from self-sabatoge or things out of thier own control.
When people start to realize how they react to a situation is more than half of the battle, that is when we may see actual change in this world. I do not believe in the "woah is me" attitude. I do not want or need sympathy. I think that people need to be realistic to the facts, do whatever they can to work through them and then the choice is yours to take the road that goes to "Negative-town" or "Positive-ville". I will always choose Positive-ville and I am finding it harder and harder for me to deal with people that choose to take the other road. I am not special in how I think, I think I am someone that will hopefully help people realize that for every down, there is an up.
Yes, I am am dying. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is getting worse daily. Yes, I think it is unfair and my heart breaks for all I am going to miss out on and what that means to my family & friends. But, I can't dwell on those things. I'd go crazy and drive the ones around me crazy at the same time. A pity party is 100% non productive! If I chose to sit in those negative feelings; I am positive nothing good will come out of it. Instead, I am focused on being happy. I find a reason to smile everyday. I fight for my life. I love hard. I am incredibly blessed despite the negatives in my life. I can not change how things played out. I can only choose to learn, grow, fight for what was and what will be, to smile, laugh, and be here for as long as possible sharing and hoping to make a difference in how people think and react to any situation they are given. I will NOT give up on myself.
I have learned some valueable lessons the past couple weeks and the biggest one being that being around negative talk and trying to fight for someone who won't fight for themselves is useless. I need to focus on the positive, and worry about myself, my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.
I was told last week I am no longer allowed to drive due to some vision issues I have going on. The sense of independance I feel I lost sucks but I am not letting that get me down. I am happy knowing there are warm, positive, beautiful souled people I can call on, any day or time and they will help me while my husband is away at work. I have a brain MRI scheduled for Friday and I am not anticipating good news but I know I will deal with what is, head on, fighting for myself and staying as present as possible for as long as possible. I am sure some words on here are jumbled and I know it has taken me three days to write this one post because I have trouble seeing, remembering words, names, etc. but I also knew I was going to finish it. I also know I will be writing more. I will not give up on myself, I know the odds are stacked against me because of my age and my hormones running around like crazy. Above all, I know I feel good about the choices I have made for myself thus far. I know there are days when I have more pain then others. I know I am really tired some days and not so much other days. I know I find a way and reason to share a happy thought, word or smile no matter what kind of day I am having.
Cancer is like a terrrible rollercoaster but I choose to be as fully present yet as free of pain as possible. I choose to smile and to not believe everything I hear/read unless I have the facts from my oncologist to go with it. I am beyond happy to have a support centre of people who focus on the positive, that trusts I know what is best for myself and who refuse to give up on me...I refuse to give up on me! I finally have doctors that do everything they can to give me the facts I need, do the tests that need to be done and based on how much those tests results have changed from the last, I can make my decisions and have concrete answers of what I am dealing with in regards to the progression of this disease. I fought for the doctors I have, I told them my needs & wants, I fight for the tests I feel I need & I fight to make sure they are honest with me. I am blessed for the team of doctors I have in my corner.
Ultimately, what I do is wake up each and every day with the intention to live my life as fully present as possible and as positive as possible. What I wonder is why would anyone choose anything different for themselves?
I am not special...I am consciously making a choice!
Now tell me...how would you rather live?
Seems like a simple answer to me...
~~~Live, Laugh & Love~~~
Beautiful version of "Wild Horses" by a woman who believed in the beauty of her dreams, never gave up and is now living fully in the present of her life...Susan Boyle.
Her rendition stirs my soul in a way I can't describe.
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that's a beautiful version of that song. :)
ReplyDeleteThe song is beautiful thankyou for sharing i dont no you really good but you are a beautiful women inside and outside,your words always touch my heart... they reach down deep inside me it makes me want to try harder at everything i dothinking of you
ReplyDeleteI love you soooooooooooo very much!!! xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteOh Shauna, you have such an amazing way with words!! I generally know and understand how I feel, but never can I find the words to express. You have a true gift! And yes, you are special!! Also beautiful, caring, loving, funny, and all around amazing...xoxoxoxo
ReplyDelete(and a big, slobbery kiss/bite from Parker ;)
Shauna if I got t choose a daughter - I would choose you.....and then Jason and Jimmy would have this amazing strong beautiful sister - so I think I will pretend it anyway.....I love you - always!
ReplyDeleteNancy
Shauna your words are inspiring and everyone in this world can learn a little something from you. I have always told you how much I love your positive attitude
ReplyDeleteLove you tons, miss you lots - hope to see you!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Crystal
My friends have started reading this, and they have begun to inbox me, telling me what an inspiration they find you! Your strength, courage and acceptance has radiated well beyond your circle of friends, and out into the world. You're a human angel. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting me into your thoughts and feelings. I normally don't know the words to say to people in bad times,but never thought that maybe these are also really good times! So I just hope you're having a good day, and hope to see you when you come to Ontario again! I'll drag my herd of children down to visit you! lol
ReplyDeleteby the way at Beau's last weigh in he was 11 pounds 11 ounces. I guess maybe there was another reason I started thinking about you so much!!;)
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Shauna, your blog is beautiful. I only wish there were something someone could do to take this all away but your words are wise. What makes me happy is that you followed your heart and found true happiness and true love which is something that many will never achieve. Your wedding pictures are amazing. You and your husband look so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou, in your way are preparing your spirit to live on. What you are doing is helping those
you love to prepare. In my 20 years of nursing the most beautiful journeys into the next stage of our being that I have witnessed has been when people have handled it as you are. Unless a death is sudden no one ever leaves this level of existance until they are ready. You are not ready and you will leave this current existance when you have done what you need to do...when you are ready and not before.
You talk about mistakes. We have all made them and it is the positive of those experiences that hopefully makes us be who we become. In your case a wiser and mature woman.
In 2005, the same year Nanny was taken from us I was very fortunate to have taken 8 Dalhousie University nursing students to a pallitive care unit for 6 weeks as their instructor. It was a wonderful experience where I witnessed some wonderful events. It was a last minute thing because the instructor who was to take the students could not at the last minute so I was asked.
I found out on the Monday after this rotation ended the purpose of why I.... at last minute was asked to do rotation. I needed preparation......
My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given 2 months to live. I did that rotation because there were obviously things I needed to learn to be able to help him through the journey. He, like you accepted what was dealt and what I learned allowed us to keep him home to die, to do it his way and only his way. Just as you are doing.
Get someone to pick up the books Journey of the Soul by Dr. Brenda Davies and Opening to Channel: How to Connect with your Guide by Sanaya Roman and Duane Parker. Not all of that which is icluded in these books are necessary or applicable but many parts are and may be important for you and Jaimee in the future.
My dad was not religious but spiritual. He was a wonderful man and father. He enjoyed my very true stories about death experiences in my career and was curious about my sensitivities. It was easy to see on his last days his spirit move away slowly from his body. We had 4 months with him instead of 2.
On the morning he passed I heard him walk on the floor where he and mom were sleeping above me. I ran up the spiral staitcase as he was not able to walk then and he and mom were both sleeping. It was his footsteps though. A few hours later he did pass and i knew that the footsteps was his spirit leaving his body. As he left us he put his hand on mom's shoulder as she told him it was OK to go and said, " its so beautiful" here had not spoken for approx 12 hours.
I know when he is trying to tell me something when for instance a picture is crooked on the wall. He couldn't stand a picture out of place! There were lots of crooked pics at home before I decided to come back north which has been a great choice for us to get finacially ahead and to be able to help the boys with school. He and my mom are soul mates. I know he;ll ahng around until she passes on but he is content I feel that. I truly believe that that is because he was allowed to do it his way.
Shauna, I am so sorry I didn't get to know you better. Uncle John and I were always so busy with the boys, work and me going to school that we didn't get out and about much except to go to. My number at the nursing station is 807-535-9041 if you want to hear a few beautiful stories or if there is anything I can do from afar.
Kepp strong and do only what you want to do. Be with those you love, ask what you need to ask, do what you need to do......
Love
Aunt Roberta