I have been wondering since last Thursday how I should start this blog, how I was going to address what needs to be talked about, and how I was going to share my updated medical prognosis. I knew what I was going to be told. I knew how I was feeling and I know the ache inside of me to get home is getting stronger and stronger. I need to be home with my daughter, my family, my childhood friends, my soul sisters, and be in the place I spent 32 years of my life. I have been incredibly blessed these two years and three days that I have lived in BC. I have had so much living, laughing & loving happen while I have been in Port McNeill. It is a small town full of truly wonderful people who care about one another and who band together for the ones they love, care for and are there for eachother in times of need. I am happy and honoured to call Port McNeill my second home. I have met some really special people here, including the love of my life, my husband Rob.
It is time for me to go home. Back to the place I was born, raised, schooled, where I made my greatest mistakes and learned my biggest lessons. Where I had my first crush, my first argument with my parents, my first job, my first kiss. The place where I remember writing check yes or no notes to friends in grade school. Back to where I raised my daughter so perfectly with her father. We always put her first, even after we were no longer together. We knew we chose to have her, that it was up to us to be the adults and raise her the exact same way in both households. To never put her in the middle of anything. Because of our conscious effort, not only did we raise a beautiful, smart, kind, loving, strong, independent girl, but, her father and I have an amazing and beautiful friendship that I cherish beyond words. ***pat on our backs***
I went down to Vancouver on Tuesday, had an MRI scheduled for Wednesday and then an appt. with my oncologist on Thursday. I spent time with my old friend Jenn from back home who now lives in White Rock. It was a glorious 6 days spent reminiscing about being kids, high school, and our friendship. It was also 6 days full of laughs and smiles provided free of charge from her two kids. The bond she has with her husband is so strong, so evident and they love to laugh with one another. I did not want to come home and they did not want me to leave....I needed her, she needed me.
Thursday I was told there is cancer in my brain and that the cancer is spreading through my body very rapidly. Like I said, I knew I was going to hear this. I don't like asking for help or admitting when I am not feeling good. The night before I left, I told my husband that I was not doing well and that my heart is calling to get home. I told my doctor that I really wanted to get home and she said I should go now. I made sure that she was aware that I did not mean for a visit but because that was where I wanted to be when I died. She understood and told me I should be getting home as soon as possible. I told her that my hubby could probably take three months off of work and I asked when should he come to Ontario and she said he should come with me now. She told me that, ethically, she could not give me a timeline but she knows its more than a couple weeks but definitely less than a year. She made sure I understood how fast it was moving and that I should get home while I am still able to enjoy my time with everyone. With the cancer being in the brain, who knows what that will affect. I really got the feeling even prior to talking to her, that this was what I was going to hear. My soul just wants to be home. She told me that if there is the slight chance I will still be here in three months she will write a letter to Rob's employer but I let her know that is the last thing we are going to worry about. I am sorry for having to share such sad news but it is what it is. I can't change it but I will still fight for time and choose to spend the rest of my days happy and with the ones I love.
Anyone that has talked to me since Thursday or who has seen me knows that I am at peace with what is and I just want to make this easier for everyone else. That all I want to do is get home and "just be" with everyone. My daughter needs me and I need her. In the midst of this terrible news, I got a call from the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation asking for some time to chat. Of course, I had a ton of time and we ended up talking about why Rob & I chose to use their "Tie the Knot Wedding Program" for our wedding. I told her my story, how I was in talks with someone from there before being re-diagnosed to be a speaker for the organization and told her my news from the day before. She then asked me if I would do them the honour of being the face for the program and if she could use my story as the human element. I absolutely said yes and now we are going to be working out the details in the next month.
I know I should be sad right now but all I feel is incredibly blessed, honoured and beyond happy to be a part of something that can raise alot of funds for breast cancer research and awareness. At our wedding alone, between the "in lieu of favours" and the "kiss for the cure" we raised over $850.00 with a wedding of 70 people. If we could do that...imagine the possibilities other brides have to collectively raise of alot funds with this program. It is a beautiful legacy to leave and something that will bring us one step closer to a world without breast cancer.
Everything happens for a reason...we may not know the reasons at the time or maybe not even for a long time afterwards but I truly believe in this. If I can see the positive in the negative, even at a time when most would be devastated, I think everyone could...and should try to do the same!
If anything, the stubborn side of me is going to come out and you will see me around Sioux much longer than anticipated and I will be smiling my happy smile, hugging everyone I know and sharing my heart with everyone....that is who I am! I am proud of the person I am and above all, I am excited to get home...
Living, Laughing & Loving!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Choices...
It's been a while since I have written. It was a great christmas with all the kids...my heart was incredibly happy. Seattle was a fantastic time spent with my love Jaimee. We saw the Rockettes perform and we had centre front row seats to the Seattle Pacific Ballet's performance of "The Nutcracker". That was amazing to say the least. The orchestra was right in front of us and the performance was unbelievable. Jaim and I both think it was one of the best things we have ever watched and I am happy it stirred in her the love of the performing arts and the rich culture available to her.
As wonderful of a trip Seattle was; it had its hard moments. I had to tell my beautiful daughter that things are progressing faster than originally anticipated. It hurt so much to see her heart break; words can't even describe. I hate what my family, friends and loved ones have to go through because of this stupid disease. I also feel there is a reason for everything under the sun. I hope that because of my story people will trust their instincts when they know something is wrong with their bodies. To do everything they can to fight for themselves! At the end of the day; if you can't fight for yourself, no matter what anybody else does or believes, it won't matter. You have to be your biggest advocate, fact checker, cheerleader and supporter.
Everyone says that I am different, how I choose to be is different, that I am stronger than most, that because I am younger it's easier for me. To that, I say "Bullshit". I think every human being has it in them to tap into that piece of themselves. The part that chooses to think about what they can gain from each and every experience...both positive and negative. The part that will always believe in who they "truly" are inside even when the cards are stacked against them, whether that be from self-sabatoge or things out of thier own control.
When people start to realize how they react to a situation is more than half of the battle, that is when we may see actual change in this world. I do not believe in the "woah is me" attitude. I do not want or need sympathy. I think that people need to be realistic to the facts, do whatever they can to work through them and then the choice is yours to take the road that goes to "Negative-town" or "Positive-ville". I will always choose Positive-ville and I am finding it harder and harder for me to deal with people that choose to take the other road. I am not special in how I think, I think I am someone that will hopefully help people realize that for every down, there is an up.
Yes, I am am dying. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is getting worse daily. Yes, I think it is unfair and my heart breaks for all I am going to miss out on and what that means to my family & friends. But, I can't dwell on those things. I'd go crazy and drive the ones around me crazy at the same time. A pity party is 100% non productive! If I chose to sit in those negative feelings; I am positive nothing good will come out of it. Instead, I am focused on being happy. I find a reason to smile everyday. I fight for my life. I love hard. I am incredibly blessed despite the negatives in my life. I can not change how things played out. I can only choose to learn, grow, fight for what was and what will be, to smile, laugh, and be here for as long as possible sharing and hoping to make a difference in how people think and react to any situation they are given. I will NOT give up on myself.
I have learned some valueable lessons the past couple weeks and the biggest one being that being around negative talk and trying to fight for someone who won't fight for themselves is useless. I need to focus on the positive, and worry about myself, my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.
I was told last week I am no longer allowed to drive due to some vision issues I have going on. The sense of independance I feel I lost sucks but I am not letting that get me down. I am happy knowing there are warm, positive, beautiful souled people I can call on, any day or time and they will help me while my husband is away at work. I have a brain MRI scheduled for Friday and I am not anticipating good news but I know I will deal with what is, head on, fighting for myself and staying as present as possible for as long as possible. I am sure some words on here are jumbled and I know it has taken me three days to write this one post because I have trouble seeing, remembering words, names, etc. but I also knew I was going to finish it. I also know I will be writing more. I will not give up on myself, I know the odds are stacked against me because of my age and my hormones running around like crazy. Above all, I know I feel good about the choices I have made for myself thus far. I know there are days when I have more pain then others. I know I am really tired some days and not so much other days. I know I find a way and reason to share a happy thought, word or smile no matter what kind of day I am having.
Cancer is like a terrrible rollercoaster but I choose to be as fully present yet as free of pain as possible. I choose to smile and to not believe everything I hear/read unless I have the facts from my oncologist to go with it. I am beyond happy to have a support centre of people who focus on the positive, that trusts I know what is best for myself and who refuse to give up on me...I refuse to give up on me! I finally have doctors that do everything they can to give me the facts I need, do the tests that need to be done and based on how much those tests results have changed from the last, I can make my decisions and have concrete answers of what I am dealing with in regards to the progression of this disease. I fought for the doctors I have, I told them my needs & wants, I fight for the tests I feel I need & I fight to make sure they are honest with me. I am blessed for the team of doctors I have in my corner.
Ultimately, what I do is wake up each and every day with the intention to live my life as fully present as possible and as positive as possible. What I wonder is why would anyone choose anything different for themselves?
I am not special...I am consciously making a choice!
Now tell me...how would you rather live?
Seems like a simple answer to me...
~~~Live, Laugh & Love~~~
Beautiful version of "Wild Horses" by a woman who believed in the beauty of her dreams, never gave up and is now living fully in the present of her life...Susan Boyle.
Her rendition stirs my soul in a way I can't describe.
As wonderful of a trip Seattle was; it had its hard moments. I had to tell my beautiful daughter that things are progressing faster than originally anticipated. It hurt so much to see her heart break; words can't even describe. I hate what my family, friends and loved ones have to go through because of this stupid disease. I also feel there is a reason for everything under the sun. I hope that because of my story people will trust their instincts when they know something is wrong with their bodies. To do everything they can to fight for themselves! At the end of the day; if you can't fight for yourself, no matter what anybody else does or believes, it won't matter. You have to be your biggest advocate, fact checker, cheerleader and supporter.
Everyone says that I am different, how I choose to be is different, that I am stronger than most, that because I am younger it's easier for me. To that, I say "Bullshit". I think every human being has it in them to tap into that piece of themselves. The part that chooses to think about what they can gain from each and every experience...both positive and negative. The part that will always believe in who they "truly" are inside even when the cards are stacked against them, whether that be from self-sabatoge or things out of thier own control.
When people start to realize how they react to a situation is more than half of the battle, that is when we may see actual change in this world. I do not believe in the "woah is me" attitude. I do not want or need sympathy. I think that people need to be realistic to the facts, do whatever they can to work through them and then the choice is yours to take the road that goes to "Negative-town" or "Positive-ville". I will always choose Positive-ville and I am finding it harder and harder for me to deal with people that choose to take the other road. I am not special in how I think, I think I am someone that will hopefully help people realize that for every down, there is an up.
Yes, I am am dying. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is getting worse daily. Yes, I think it is unfair and my heart breaks for all I am going to miss out on and what that means to my family & friends. But, I can't dwell on those things. I'd go crazy and drive the ones around me crazy at the same time. A pity party is 100% non productive! If I chose to sit in those negative feelings; I am positive nothing good will come out of it. Instead, I am focused on being happy. I find a reason to smile everyday. I fight for my life. I love hard. I am incredibly blessed despite the negatives in my life. I can not change how things played out. I can only choose to learn, grow, fight for what was and what will be, to smile, laugh, and be here for as long as possible sharing and hoping to make a difference in how people think and react to any situation they are given. I will NOT give up on myself.
I have learned some valueable lessons the past couple weeks and the biggest one being that being around negative talk and trying to fight for someone who won't fight for themselves is useless. I need to focus on the positive, and worry about myself, my husband, my daughter, my family and my friends.
I was told last week I am no longer allowed to drive due to some vision issues I have going on. The sense of independance I feel I lost sucks but I am not letting that get me down. I am happy knowing there are warm, positive, beautiful souled people I can call on, any day or time and they will help me while my husband is away at work. I have a brain MRI scheduled for Friday and I am not anticipating good news but I know I will deal with what is, head on, fighting for myself and staying as present as possible for as long as possible. I am sure some words on here are jumbled and I know it has taken me three days to write this one post because I have trouble seeing, remembering words, names, etc. but I also knew I was going to finish it. I also know I will be writing more. I will not give up on myself, I know the odds are stacked against me because of my age and my hormones running around like crazy. Above all, I know I feel good about the choices I have made for myself thus far. I know there are days when I have more pain then others. I know I am really tired some days and not so much other days. I know I find a way and reason to share a happy thought, word or smile no matter what kind of day I am having.
Cancer is like a terrrible rollercoaster but I choose to be as fully present yet as free of pain as possible. I choose to smile and to not believe everything I hear/read unless I have the facts from my oncologist to go with it. I am beyond happy to have a support centre of people who focus on the positive, that trusts I know what is best for myself and who refuse to give up on me...I refuse to give up on me! I finally have doctors that do everything they can to give me the facts I need, do the tests that need to be done and based on how much those tests results have changed from the last, I can make my decisions and have concrete answers of what I am dealing with in regards to the progression of this disease. I fought for the doctors I have, I told them my needs & wants, I fight for the tests I feel I need & I fight to make sure they are honest with me. I am blessed for the team of doctors I have in my corner.
Ultimately, what I do is wake up each and every day with the intention to live my life as fully present as possible and as positive as possible. What I wonder is why would anyone choose anything different for themselves?
I am not special...I am consciously making a choice!
Now tell me...how would you rather live?
Seems like a simple answer to me...
~~~Live, Laugh & Love~~~
Beautiful version of "Wild Horses" by a woman who believed in the beauty of her dreams, never gave up and is now living fully in the present of her life...Susan Boyle.
Her rendition stirs my soul in a way I can't describe.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Life and all things beyond the here & now
My husband said something to me the other day that has really got me thinking and now my creative side wants to come out and try to explain something that is, in some ways, unexplainable. But, I am going to do my best and I find that happens when I just let the feelings flow from my heart; my soul. So here goes.
Rob and I got into a conversation on Sunday about how I am reacting to all that is going on with me. He stated something like "he has not seen me break down" and "that is seems like I am 'too' ok with all this". We ended up having a really, really long discussion about life and life after death. Ever since we had that talk, I've been thinking about everyone else and realized that if my husband is feeling this way...is this what others think as well? These are my thoughts that I would like to share with you all.
I guess I will start with that, yes, I do have some moments where I completely and totally break down, cry for what I am not going to have, what I am going to miss out on. I wonder how the people around me and love me are going to be without me. Sometimes, I can be going along cleaning the house, creeping on facebook {we ALL do it, lol}, reading or just relaxing and a song will come on that will bring me to a past moment in my life and I cry big fat elephant tears.
These moments tend to happen when I am alone. When I do not have to worry about other peoples feelings or how they will react to my sadness. I understand these moments are normal reactions to a shitty situation. I am someone that deals with the "big" things in life by spending time alone, letting my thoughts flow and getting into myself. I naturally do this when people are not around, so I can feel my emotions, and not theirs, as I am very sensitive to feelings and body language. The main point I want to start with is that I do not want this reality for myself, but it is, what it is.
I allow myself to have those moments. If I did not, I would begin to question if I really was being honest with myself about "accepting" what is. I truly believe it is important to allow yourself to feel your feelings, sit in them and then move forward from them. I think the problem most people have is that they do not know how to move forward and tend to get stuck in the "sitting in it" part.
When Rob and I were talking, I explained to him that even though I do not particularly like what is to be my future; I also do not fear it. I am no stranger to death and having someone close to me pass on. In my life, I have lost both sets of grandparents, 4 uncles, some good friends from cancer and from car accidents. I have lost an uncle and a cousin {who was like a brother and best friend to me} to suicide. Death has been a part of my life.
The death of my cousin shook me to my core and changed a part of me for a long time. But it was also through his death that I have felt more connected with something more than what is here. This is where the explaining part gets hard.
How does someone articulate their spiritual beliefs? There is just an innate knowing, within the depths of my soul, that even if I will be leaving this world...I will still be here. I will be here for my husband, daughter, family and friends. They will know I am with them...I will make sure of it.
These are a few things that have happened to me that makes me believe in something more:
1. Ever since the first day my cousin died, my eyes revert to the clock at 11:11 both in the morning and evening...no matter what I am doing. Many people have been witness to this. Kelly's favorite number was 11. I feel extremely close to him at that time. It makes me smile everytime it happens and I tell him I love him.
2. When Celine and I were heading to Thunder Bay for my 3rd chemo my first diagnosis, I was telling her how I have always felt Kelly around me, everyday...since the day he died. I proceeded to tell her that through my diagnosis and treatments, I didn't feel him there and how sad that made me. She brought up the "Footprints in the Sand" analogy and that maybe I didn't feel him because he was carrying me through this. At that moment, hundreds of butterflies flew from the hood of my truck and over the windshield. We did not hurt one of them and we looked at eachother, tears in our eyes and said "he is here".
3. When Jaimee was a newborn she would stare at the big blue chair that use to be Al's dads when he was sick. When she looked at that chair...she would smile, giggle the biggest giggle and reach out to something that was not there.
4. A friend of my mom had a dream about Jaimees' grandpa around that time and then she relayed the dream back to me. It is too personal to talk about but she said things that he told her to tell us that she would have no way of knowing and when she finished telling me, a cupboard door slammed shut.
5. Me and Celine joke all the time about how our souls play well together so we gave them names...we call them Mable & Martha. When I was going into my first "big" reconstruction surgery, I didn't get a chance to talk to Celine. That girl is my soul sister. I knew she was thinking about me and hoping everything went well. When I got out of the surgery and was brought to my room, two young nurses came in; Rob was there. They were talking to one another and then they said eachothers name. As I heard them, my eyes widened and I said, "excuse me, can you say your names again?", They repeated themselves and I asked Rob if they just said "Mable & Martha" just to make sure it wasn't the drugs. He told me that I had heard correctly, they smiled, left the room and we never seen them again in my three day stay there. I feel that even in life, at any given moment we are connected. Celine's soul connected with mine that day to show me she was there with me.
6. When I moved here, one of my uncle's passed away from brain cancer not long after. I could not make it home and I was feeling alone, sad and longing for my family. I lived in my little apartment across from the ferry terminal, with the ocean ten steps away and the coast mountains in the distance. I had a huge urge to go sit outside, as water makes me feel close to those that are no longer with me. I went and sat at the bench across from my place and thought about my uncle. As I was doing that, an eagle flew towards me and perched itself on the railing right in front of me. It stared at me. A huge feeling of peace flowed through me. It was like I was told my uncle was more than ok, that he was soaring above us, free of pain and that he did not want us to be sad for him. When I went home to tell my family about the second diagnosis, I told my cousins and aunt about my experience. They proceeded to tell me that during his funeral there was an eagle soaring above them the whole time. It was something that made us all feel close to him and trust he is still with us.
I could go on and on about the experiences I have had. I am positive, however, that I have you thinking about the moments in your life that connects you to someone important to you & that is no longer here. I hope I have you thinking about those moments that most people call "random" events that happen. You know, those ones that make you feel close to a friend who is living far away or who has passed on. We have all had those moments when you know who is calling before you even look at the call display or when you know something is going to happen before it does.
All I can say is: I know, trust and feel within me and my whole being, there is so much more than this. I truly feel there is more than just this world and that our souls live on. That is what makes me, in some small way, feel at peace with something I can not change or have no control over.
I know when I pass from this life, I will be with the family and friends that are no longer here. I also know I will be here for anyone that needs me at anytime. I may not be seen or my hugs given but people can always go into their souls memory and feel my hug, my warm smile and/or words of encouragement. I have solace in these thoughts.
I know there are people out there who do not believe in something more than what is here and now and that there is nothing beyond this life. To that, I say you have the right to your beliefs. These beliefs are mine and I hold dear to them. When that time comes for me, I will not be far, I will be a whisper away, I will be in the 11:11 moments, I will be there whenever you see a sign or the words "live, laugh, love", I will be there when needed and as often as needed.I will come in dreams, I will be there when you see pods of dolphins.
Thank you for reading, no matter what your beliefs, I appreciate you allowing me to have mine. Until that time comes for me, I will continue to live fully, happily & with a smile on my face. I will continue to share a hug, a laugh and pieces of myself with all that I meet. I cherish all the moments in my life and will continue to do so; the best way possible...
In the words of Daughtry:
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter"! :D
Living, laughing & loving...always! :)
Rob and I got into a conversation on Sunday about how I am reacting to all that is going on with me. He stated something like "he has not seen me break down" and "that is seems like I am 'too' ok with all this". We ended up having a really, really long discussion about life and life after death. Ever since we had that talk, I've been thinking about everyone else and realized that if my husband is feeling this way...is this what others think as well? These are my thoughts that I would like to share with you all.
I guess I will start with that, yes, I do have some moments where I completely and totally break down, cry for what I am not going to have, what I am going to miss out on. I wonder how the people around me and love me are going to be without me. Sometimes, I can be going along cleaning the house, creeping on facebook {we ALL do it, lol}, reading or just relaxing and a song will come on that will bring me to a past moment in my life and I cry big fat elephant tears.
These moments tend to happen when I am alone. When I do not have to worry about other peoples feelings or how they will react to my sadness. I understand these moments are normal reactions to a shitty situation. I am someone that deals with the "big" things in life by spending time alone, letting my thoughts flow and getting into myself. I naturally do this when people are not around, so I can feel my emotions, and not theirs, as I am very sensitive to feelings and body language. The main point I want to start with is that I do not want this reality for myself, but it is, what it is.
I allow myself to have those moments. If I did not, I would begin to question if I really was being honest with myself about "accepting" what is. I truly believe it is important to allow yourself to feel your feelings, sit in them and then move forward from them. I think the problem most people have is that they do not know how to move forward and tend to get stuck in the "sitting in it" part.
When Rob and I were talking, I explained to him that even though I do not particularly like what is to be my future; I also do not fear it. I am no stranger to death and having someone close to me pass on. In my life, I have lost both sets of grandparents, 4 uncles, some good friends from cancer and from car accidents. I have lost an uncle and a cousin {who was like a brother and best friend to me} to suicide. Death has been a part of my life.
The death of my cousin shook me to my core and changed a part of me for a long time. But it was also through his death that I have felt more connected with something more than what is here. This is where the explaining part gets hard.
How does someone articulate their spiritual beliefs? There is just an innate knowing, within the depths of my soul, that even if I will be leaving this world...I will still be here. I will be here for my husband, daughter, family and friends. They will know I am with them...I will make sure of it.
These are a few things that have happened to me that makes me believe in something more:
1. Ever since the first day my cousin died, my eyes revert to the clock at 11:11 both in the morning and evening...no matter what I am doing. Many people have been witness to this. Kelly's favorite number was 11. I feel extremely close to him at that time. It makes me smile everytime it happens and I tell him I love him.
2. When Celine and I were heading to Thunder Bay for my 3rd chemo my first diagnosis, I was telling her how I have always felt Kelly around me, everyday...since the day he died. I proceeded to tell her that through my diagnosis and treatments, I didn't feel him there and how sad that made me. She brought up the "Footprints in the Sand" analogy and that maybe I didn't feel him because he was carrying me through this. At that moment, hundreds of butterflies flew from the hood of my truck and over the windshield. We did not hurt one of them and we looked at eachother, tears in our eyes and said "he is here".
3. When Jaimee was a newborn she would stare at the big blue chair that use to be Al's dads when he was sick. When she looked at that chair...she would smile, giggle the biggest giggle and reach out to something that was not there.
4. A friend of my mom had a dream about Jaimees' grandpa around that time and then she relayed the dream back to me. It is too personal to talk about but she said things that he told her to tell us that she would have no way of knowing and when she finished telling me, a cupboard door slammed shut.
5. Me and Celine joke all the time about how our souls play well together so we gave them names...we call them Mable & Martha. When I was going into my first "big" reconstruction surgery, I didn't get a chance to talk to Celine. That girl is my soul sister. I knew she was thinking about me and hoping everything went well. When I got out of the surgery and was brought to my room, two young nurses came in; Rob was there. They were talking to one another and then they said eachothers name. As I heard them, my eyes widened and I said, "excuse me, can you say your names again?", They repeated themselves and I asked Rob if they just said "Mable & Martha" just to make sure it wasn't the drugs. He told me that I had heard correctly, they smiled, left the room and we never seen them again in my three day stay there. I feel that even in life, at any given moment we are connected. Celine's soul connected with mine that day to show me she was there with me.
6. When I moved here, one of my uncle's passed away from brain cancer not long after. I could not make it home and I was feeling alone, sad and longing for my family. I lived in my little apartment across from the ferry terminal, with the ocean ten steps away and the coast mountains in the distance. I had a huge urge to go sit outside, as water makes me feel close to those that are no longer with me. I went and sat at the bench across from my place and thought about my uncle. As I was doing that, an eagle flew towards me and perched itself on the railing right in front of me. It stared at me. A huge feeling of peace flowed through me. It was like I was told my uncle was more than ok, that he was soaring above us, free of pain and that he did not want us to be sad for him. When I went home to tell my family about the second diagnosis, I told my cousins and aunt about my experience. They proceeded to tell me that during his funeral there was an eagle soaring above them the whole time. It was something that made us all feel close to him and trust he is still with us.
I could go on and on about the experiences I have had. I am positive, however, that I have you thinking about the moments in your life that connects you to someone important to you & that is no longer here. I hope I have you thinking about those moments that most people call "random" events that happen. You know, those ones that make you feel close to a friend who is living far away or who has passed on. We have all had those moments when you know who is calling before you even look at the call display or when you know something is going to happen before it does.
All I can say is: I know, trust and feel within me and my whole being, there is so much more than this. I truly feel there is more than just this world and that our souls live on. That is what makes me, in some small way, feel at peace with something I can not change or have no control over.
I know when I pass from this life, I will be with the family and friends that are no longer here. I also know I will be here for anyone that needs me at anytime. I may not be seen or my hugs given but people can always go into their souls memory and feel my hug, my warm smile and/or words of encouragement. I have solace in these thoughts.
I know there are people out there who do not believe in something more than what is here and now and that there is nothing beyond this life. To that, I say you have the right to your beliefs. These beliefs are mine and I hold dear to them. When that time comes for me, I will not be far, I will be a whisper away, I will be in the 11:11 moments, I will be there whenever you see a sign or the words "live, laugh, love", I will be there when needed and as often as needed.I will come in dreams, I will be there when you see pods of dolphins.
Thank you for reading, no matter what your beliefs, I appreciate you allowing me to have mine. Until that time comes for me, I will continue to live fully, happily & with a smile on my face. I will continue to share a hug, a laugh and pieces of myself with all that I meet. I cherish all the moments in my life and will continue to do so; the best way possible...
In the words of Daughtry:
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter"! :D
Living, laughing & loving...always! :)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Good times is wonderful medicine!
My husband and I went to our friends wedding reception last night and I must say it was one of the best times we have had in a long time! Friends, laughter, love, good food, great music and dancing is better than any chemo or pill to make someone feel better. I laughed so much my cheeks were sore when we got home. These moments are what makes the world go around. When there is nothing but positive energy flowing and everywhere you looked, people were smiling, laughing, and there was so much love in that room. Between the bride and groom, the families and the couples who were very obviously enjoying the time we all shared together.
Rob & I haven't gone out much lately because, in all honesty, I have not been feeling very well but there was no way I was going to miss this night out. We only made it to 11pm but to see my husband having such a good time, meeting more of his friends and laughing the night away was just what the doctor ordered. I may be in a little pain but I can not shake this smile from my face or heart!
Life is good, I am blessed, I am happy, I have sore cheeks today from smiling and laughing so much! I love the man I married, the life we share and we have no regrets about anything. We both knew that the cancer could come back. On our very first date, the very first thing I told him was; "I had breast cancer, I have no breasts, there is a very strong possibility that it will come back within the next 5 years and I will give you time to absorb this and if you feel it may be too much to handle; I will understand." Leave it too me to be that blunt but really, if we dated and I wasn't that honest right off the hop...how fair would have that been when he tried to get to second base and find out the bag wasn't there! LOL!
I know I have kinda rambled off what I was originally going to write about but when I started to write, it made me think of some comments I was told some people were saying. When I was rediagnosed and people heard about it, there was the "Oh, poor Rob, what has he gotten himself into" or "Awh, they just got married, how is Rob going to handle it". Rob & I have talked about the possibility of the cancer returning at length many times after that first date and we can both reassure you all that we knew what could potentially be. We can also share with you that neither one of us feels bad about being together, for getting married and sharing the rest of my life together.
Yes, it sucks that it came back and much sooner than we would have ever anticipated and way more aggressive than we could have imagined; but we are making the best of a terrible prognosis. We find ways to showcase our love for one another everyday, to appreciate eachother daily, to do small things that make the others heart smile. We value every moment we have together, even the little arguments because that is what makes a couple, a couple! My husband is strong in heart and character and I love him for it. He always says to me; "I would not change a thing Shauna, I love you, you taught me so much, you have showed me what is important in life and you are the love of my life. Even if our time together is shortened, it is the best time I have had in all the years of my life".
I am incredibly in love, happy and honoured to have such a phenominal man as my husband. To be with him, last night, sharing in the love of the bride and groom & seeing the love of others couples in the room was just what I needed. Love is what makes the world go round. We never know when it is someone's "time", so, take the lead and tell the people you care about that you love them, thank them for being in your life & that you appreciate them. Tell them about the memories that make your heart happy when you think about them. There is no room or time for regret....but there sure is time for spreading a smile, a laugh, a hug, love and laughter!
I love my life, my husband, Jaimee, Matt & Jacob, my family, my friends and of course, my furry family Oscar and Belle. I am incredibly happy today and feeling blessed for the life I have!
This song is dedicated to my husband. I have been hearing it alot lately, including the reception last night, and it moves my soul everytime I hear it. It's beautiful and how I feel about my husband Rob. Love you babe! xoxo
~~~Living, Laughing & Loving~~~
Rob & I haven't gone out much lately because, in all honesty, I have not been feeling very well but there was no way I was going to miss this night out. We only made it to 11pm but to see my husband having such a good time, meeting more of his friends and laughing the night away was just what the doctor ordered. I may be in a little pain but I can not shake this smile from my face or heart!
Life is good, I am blessed, I am happy, I have sore cheeks today from smiling and laughing so much! I love the man I married, the life we share and we have no regrets about anything. We both knew that the cancer could come back. On our very first date, the very first thing I told him was; "I had breast cancer, I have no breasts, there is a very strong possibility that it will come back within the next 5 years and I will give you time to absorb this and if you feel it may be too much to handle; I will understand." Leave it too me to be that blunt but really, if we dated and I wasn't that honest right off the hop...how fair would have that been when he tried to get to second base and find out the bag wasn't there! LOL!
I know I have kinda rambled off what I was originally going to write about but when I started to write, it made me think of some comments I was told some people were saying. When I was rediagnosed and people heard about it, there was the "Oh, poor Rob, what has he gotten himself into" or "Awh, they just got married, how is Rob going to handle it". Rob & I have talked about the possibility of the cancer returning at length many times after that first date and we can both reassure you all that we knew what could potentially be. We can also share with you that neither one of us feels bad about being together, for getting married and sharing the rest of my life together.
Yes, it sucks that it came back and much sooner than we would have ever anticipated and way more aggressive than we could have imagined; but we are making the best of a terrible prognosis. We find ways to showcase our love for one another everyday, to appreciate eachother daily, to do small things that make the others heart smile. We value every moment we have together, even the little arguments because that is what makes a couple, a couple! My husband is strong in heart and character and I love him for it. He always says to me; "I would not change a thing Shauna, I love you, you taught me so much, you have showed me what is important in life and you are the love of my life. Even if our time together is shortened, it is the best time I have had in all the years of my life".
I am incredibly in love, happy and honoured to have such a phenominal man as my husband. To be with him, last night, sharing in the love of the bride and groom & seeing the love of others couples in the room was just what I needed. Love is what makes the world go round. We never know when it is someone's "time", so, take the lead and tell the people you care about that you love them, thank them for being in your life & that you appreciate them. Tell them about the memories that make your heart happy when you think about them. There is no room or time for regret....but there sure is time for spreading a smile, a laugh, a hug, love and laughter!
I love my life, my husband, Jaimee, Matt & Jacob, my family, my friends and of course, my furry family Oscar and Belle. I am incredibly happy today and feeling blessed for the life I have!
This song is dedicated to my husband. I have been hearing it alot lately, including the reception last night, and it moves my soul everytime I hear it. It's beautiful and how I feel about my husband Rob. Love you babe! xoxo
~~~Living, Laughing & Loving~~~
Friday, December 11, 2009
Damn cancer!
Ohhhhh my sad, sad heart. I am so angry at cancer right now. Why is it so freakin' prevelent these days? Why are we constantly hearing of person after person getting diagnosed with cancer? Why does it seem like most are late stage cancer? Why doesn't it just go away already!
There are people that I feel were brought into my life when I moved from Ontario to Vancouver Island. The person I roommated with when I first moved here, introduced me to my landlord, who was an incredible friend to me. We spent hours cooking, talking and listening to cheesey 80's music. He is a friend of the heart to me always and forever. He introduced me to my husband and to my good friend Angela. I am forever grateful for that. My roommate also introduced me to one of my dearest and "felt like family" friends from the moment I met her, Sonya. She is right up there as one of the strongest people I know. She is beautiful, kind, loving, hilarious and she is a phenominal mom to her two boys. There is also my dear friend Carolyn. We hit it off with one another the very first day we met. She is a ray of light; an older woman who looks not a day past 37! She has a heart of gold, she's vivacious, fun, fun, fun and I know we were brought to eachother as much as I know I was brought to my husband, Sonya, Angela. These 4 people and Rob's sister Jenny are "my people". The ones I feel are like family, the ones I can turn to at any moment for love & support. The ones that allow me to tease the crap out of them {in true Shauna style} and they love me for it. I am blessed for the friendships I have made here.
My wonderful friend Carolyn was told she had late stage breast cancer about 4 months after I met her. That only strengthened our bond that much more. She fought the hard fight and like all cancer patients she had her good days, her bad days but she did it and she completed her treatments. She spoke at the opening ceremonies at this years "Relay for Life", she is raising awareness. She is my friend and I love her. My heart is so sad since hearing the news yesterday that her cancer is back and also like me, it's stage 4. I wish cancer would just fuck off!
I am sad, crying for what she is going to have to go through, the decisions she now has to make, and all that comes with being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. My heart is broken for her, her family, her friends & everyone else that has to deal with this stupid, stupid disease. I am grateful that we have one another to lean on, to be there for eachother...who would know better what we are going through? I wish I did not have to share in this with her.
I love her. I hate cancer.
I will find a reason to smile double today!
I will not let cancer take me down without a fight...
or without a smile on my face!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Bad things happen to good people
I want to share a piece from a blog that I had stumbled upon last week. http://que-sarah-sarah.blogspot.com/
It is from a young woman, who like me had stage 4 cancer. Her cancer, however, was skin cancer. But I think the feelings are universal in nature to most late stage cancer patients. She, like me, is naturally a positive person, did everything possible the first time to kick cancers ass and also like me, would have continued to do so if there was ANY chance of cure. I have had some similar feelings like this {although not as strong as hers} whenever someone gives me "advice" on how and what I should do to be "cured". I can imagine she was incredibly frustrated when she wrote this post.
From my own experience, I know at first its easy to smile, say "thank you for your thoughts, I will look into them", to help people feel better and like they are doing something positive to change an outcome they are not ready for, nor want to, deal with. However, as the emails roll in on different treatments available, as people stop you on the street to tell you what worked for Jimmy or Janice and state their thoughts on what I should be eating, drinking, what kind of workout I should be doing, the time I should be spending meditating, etc., etc.; it starts to drain you, upset you. It makes you feel like people all of a sudden don't trust that you know what is right for you and your life. That doing something they don't agree with is in someway perceived as giving up or the wrong thing to do, when really its about doing what feels right to that individual. I feel her words, her frustration.
I also understand, it is a difficult thing to process, to accept. However, every cancer is different for every person. What may have worked for your aunt Ruth may not be the answer for your cousin Sally. On top of that, every single person has a say in their medical care, and most, like myself, have amazing doctors that share all information with them. This includes both eastern medicine and western medicine, to help with their quality of life and help the individual make the medical choices that feels right to them physically, spiritually and emotionally.
We'd much rather our family, friends, loved ones {and ourselves} deal with what is, accept it and look for the ways to make each day the best one yet when we wake up every morning. To find a way to smile; even when that's the last thing you want to do; to move forward no matter what cards were played out for you. I may not like what was dealt to me but I do not feel sorry for myself nor am I wanting you to feel sorry for me. I just want to help pass on understanding, to remind people that every day is a wonderful gift where we can show someone a smile, do something nice for a friend or stranger, tell the ones you care about that you love them; you appreciate them. In the realm of this blog, it's to help people support the ones they love in ways that truly matter when they are diagnosed terminal.
Above all and foremost, I want to remind people that I am positive, strong willed, incredibly stubborn {ask my family & friends, lol} and will always hope for the best. Sometimes, that is not enough...sometimes shit happens & it sucks! But I will never give up, never!
These are Sarah's words:
Well said Sarah Toller! RIP
February 7, 1977 - June 12, 2007
Your words live on...
~~~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~~~
It is from a young woman, who like me had stage 4 cancer. Her cancer, however, was skin cancer. But I think the feelings are universal in nature to most late stage cancer patients. She, like me, is naturally a positive person, did everything possible the first time to kick cancers ass and also like me, would have continued to do so if there was ANY chance of cure. I have had some similar feelings like this {although not as strong as hers} whenever someone gives me "advice" on how and what I should do to be "cured". I can imagine she was incredibly frustrated when she wrote this post.
From my own experience, I know at first its easy to smile, say "thank you for your thoughts, I will look into them", to help people feel better and like they are doing something positive to change an outcome they are not ready for, nor want to, deal with. However, as the emails roll in on different treatments available, as people stop you on the street to tell you what worked for Jimmy or Janice and state their thoughts on what I should be eating, drinking, what kind of workout I should be doing, the time I should be spending meditating, etc., etc.; it starts to drain you, upset you. It makes you feel like people all of a sudden don't trust that you know what is right for you and your life. That doing something they don't agree with is in someway perceived as giving up or the wrong thing to do, when really its about doing what feels right to that individual. I feel her words, her frustration.
I also understand, it is a difficult thing to process, to accept. However, every cancer is different for every person. What may have worked for your aunt Ruth may not be the answer for your cousin Sally. On top of that, every single person has a say in their medical care, and most, like myself, have amazing doctors that share all information with them. This includes both eastern medicine and western medicine, to help with their quality of life and help the individual make the medical choices that feels right to them physically, spiritually and emotionally.
We'd much rather our family, friends, loved ones {and ourselves} deal with what is, accept it and look for the ways to make each day the best one yet when we wake up every morning. To find a way to smile; even when that's the last thing you want to do; to move forward no matter what cards were played out for you. I may not like what was dealt to me but I do not feel sorry for myself nor am I wanting you to feel sorry for me. I just want to help pass on understanding, to remind people that every day is a wonderful gift where we can show someone a smile, do something nice for a friend or stranger, tell the ones you care about that you love them; you appreciate them. In the realm of this blog, it's to help people support the ones they love in ways that truly matter when they are diagnosed terminal.
Above all and foremost, I want to remind people that I am positive, strong willed, incredibly stubborn {ask my family & friends, lol} and will always hope for the best. Sometimes, that is not enough...sometimes shit happens & it sucks! But I will never give up, never!
These are Sarah's words:
"I guess I just want to scream: Yes, bad things happen to good people! Good things happen to bad people! There is such thing as being lucky and unlucky, and a lot of what happens in this life is absolutely random! Take that Oprah!
I'm just so tired of feeling like this is my fault or people implying that I can change it with visualization or positive thinking. Let me see you cure your next cold with positive thinking, and let me see you cure your next bout of food poisoning by visualizing an army of white blood cells attacking the bacteria! That would never occur to these people, but somehow they think that cancer is different? Ya, it's different, it is a hell of a lot more serious, powerful, sneaky and deadly! It is also incurable at late stages.
Most people that are cured were lucky enough to have the cancer discovered at an early stage. Plain and simple. There are 4 stages of cancer, each stage tells you how far the cancer has spread from the primary location. 90% of breast cancer patients are cured. Same with melanoma. That is because almost 90% get the cancer cut out surgically at stage 1 or 2. They had some sign of the cancer early on in the disease and got it removed before it spread. The people that die are almost all (there are exceptions to the rule) comprised of people who were unfortunate in that their disease wasn't discovered early because there were no symptoms, or they were misdiagnosed, or they ignored the symptoms until stage 3 or 4.
When you find out if someone has cancer, find out what stage they are to know how serious it is and how likely they are to survive. All cancer diagnoses are not equal, as our media would have us believe. A lot of the "warriors" and "survivors" that we see on tv, I've mentioned Sheryl Crow before, we are led to believe survived because of sheer determination, positivity and strength of character. Nope, I dare say, they survived because they had itty bitty cancers in situ that have less than a 10% chance of spreading! Then they sometimes go through radiation or chemo on top of surgery just to make sure that the cancer doesn't come back.
Sure, the treatment sucks and they were scared, and lives changed forever. But the media makes them out to be these rays of hope and living testaments to the power of will and determination, when in fact, they were just damn lucky. The media perpetuates the myth that cancer can be beaten with positive thinking by not presenting us with the facts of the disease.
Lance Armstrong. Here is a lucky guy. Sure, his testicular cancer spread to his lungs and brain making him a stage 4 cancer patient, but wouldn't ya know it, Lance Armstrong happened to get one of the few cancers that are curable at stage 4! Even with metastases to the brain, our beloved Lance STILL had a 50% chance of surviving long term! Lance was lucky that only a few years before his diagnosis an effective chemotherapy agent was discovered to cure many cases of advanced testicular cancer! When breast or melanoma cancers spread to the brain one has less than a 5% chance of surviving five years because there is no cure for stage 4 of these diseases. What Lance had to go through to get cured was horrifying, but it was no miracle that he survived. And it wasn't because he was some kind of super human, a pillar of strength and determination. It wasn't because, as he says, he just refused to die. It was because he called heads and that's where the coin landed. He had a 50-50 shot at his very worst. My cancer hasn't spread to any organs and I have way less than a 50-50 shot at survival because there are no effective treatments yet. Lance Armstrong didn't survive because he is a good person, a strong person or because he wanted to live more than anyone else does. His got dealt a good last hand.
Dana Reeve died of lung cancer, only months after she was diagnosed, as most lung cancer patients do because symptoms do not present until a later stage, when it is incurable. Some suggested that she unconsciously just wanted to be with her late husband, Christopher Reeve, or that she brought it on herself by not taking care of herself while tending to Chris for all those years. The cancer myth in reverse. The truth is that Linda, from all outward appearances, was full of light, life, and positivity. She exuded peace, happiness, and strength in any interview I ever saw with her. She was unlucky that cancer developed in her, and doubly unlucky that she got a cancer that had a bad prognosis from the beginning. Simple as that. Life is not always fair, bad things happen to good people for no reason that we can understand.
I'm just going with the flow. What will be, will be. I think that is a totally ok way to go about coping with this illness. I hope for the best, but I am realistic. We hear those stories of survivors who beat all odds, and attribute it to something they did or thought, when we have no idea why they made it and no doctor would claim to know. For every person that was "healed" by a healer or some herbal concoction, there are thousands more that healed spontaneously on their own. Because it does happen. Most people, who survive advanced cancer, don't do anything special. And most people that do something special or extreme; die. That's the truth, reality. I live in reality and I'm sick and tired of ignorant misinformed but well-meaning people offering their misguided advice because if I reject it, they conclude in their minds that I just don't care about myself enough to "fight". Bullshit." -Que Sarah, Sarah
Well said Sarah Toller! RIP
February 7, 1977 - June 12, 2007
Your words live on...
~~~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~~~
Commitment
Well, here I am...recommitting to my blog. This time I have such an incredible "NEED" to write. To share my thoughts and feelings about the situation I am in. Some will not want to deal with or hear the words I write as the truth of them may be too real, too close to the heart or any reason that is perfectly ok for any individual to feel.
I am 34 years old. Just married in July. Mother to a wonderful 14 year old young lady. Stepmom to 2 boys 4 & 8. Wife to an incredible man. Love my friends like they are family...my family of the heart. I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, auntie. I have metastatic breast cancer. I am dying. That is a fact and that is a hard fact to process for some.
This blog may be more for me than anything. I always knew, even as a little girl, I would have a book out there in the world one day. I feel this is close enough. I feel this will share a truth that is hard to talk about, to comprehend for some, and something that could help others in my situation. I am hoping this will help the people that love me or the people that are going through this with someone they love.
I have been thinking about doing this for about three weeks or so and the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger and I know when that happens I am to trust my intuition and follow my truth. I will forewarn that this blog will be honest, and not all positive, I feel that if I am going to write I have to be as candid as possible. It is only the fair thing to do. I was looking at someones blog the other day and was more grateful for the tougher things that were obviously harder for her to write but it made me feel like I was less alone in how I was feeling.
I, for the most part, always think of the positive and choose to enter the door where there is laughter coming from it but there are times, like I have been feeling this week where I am sad, mad, question "why the fuck is this happening to me", how is my daughter doing...how will she deal with all this. That is what gets me the most...my beautiful daughter. I try not to think about that aspect of things. My heart breaks. I worry about the boys, especially Matthew. We are so close and I know he is soooooo angry about what is going with me. He does not know the extent of things at this time but he knows the cancer is back. His heart is broken, his emotions go back and forth from sad, mad, angry, loving and just wanting this to not be happening. He is my little man with a sensitive heart and I know it is breaking inside. Jacob is younger and I don't think he will truly understand the depth of things until he is older.
There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis, so many words of Shauna "wisdom's", lol! So many things I want to share while I can. I want to share the good and the bad because with honesty, it will hopefully help another young woman in my situation. it may help the friends and family of myself and others deal with and come to terms with their own feelings on a terrible situation and maybe...just maybe, help people understand what we may or may not need from them as our loved ones.
Death is a hard thing for people to deal with in the first place, throw in a younger person, mother, someone so brilliantly witty such as myself {haha}, and it makes things that much harder. I love life, the good and the bad of it, like no other. For every situation under the sun there is a lesson to be learned.
I want to share a piece of myself with you, I want to bring understanding, I want people to know that it is ok to be pissed off but it is also ok to have acceptance of what is and what will be. Life is what you make it...it does not matter how long you live but how well you live. Through the hardest times and mistakes you receive the most wonderful gift of learning from them, becoming a better person but most of all...you learn to truly love yourself, who you are, the defining moments {both good and bad} that make you who you are, and most of all, you learn to speak your truth because at the end of the day that is what matters.
So, I am asking for you to share in my experiences, my ups & downs, my happiness, my sadness, my moments that make my life mine. As I said, somethings may be too much. I have told myself if I am going to do this, I am going to be incredibly honest about what I am going through, my feelings and of course...live, laugh & love as much as I can through it all!
Lots of love! :)
I am 34 years old. Just married in July. Mother to a wonderful 14 year old young lady. Stepmom to 2 boys 4 & 8. Wife to an incredible man. Love my friends like they are family...my family of the heart. I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, auntie. I have metastatic breast cancer. I am dying. That is a fact and that is a hard fact to process for some.
This blog may be more for me than anything. I always knew, even as a little girl, I would have a book out there in the world one day. I feel this is close enough. I feel this will share a truth that is hard to talk about, to comprehend for some, and something that could help others in my situation. I am hoping this will help the people that love me or the people that are going through this with someone they love.
I have been thinking about doing this for about three weeks or so and the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger and I know when that happens I am to trust my intuition and follow my truth. I will forewarn that this blog will be honest, and not all positive, I feel that if I am going to write I have to be as candid as possible. It is only the fair thing to do. I was looking at someones blog the other day and was more grateful for the tougher things that were obviously harder for her to write but it made me feel like I was less alone in how I was feeling.
I, for the most part, always think of the positive and choose to enter the door where there is laughter coming from it but there are times, like I have been feeling this week where I am sad, mad, question "why the fuck is this happening to me", how is my daughter doing...how will she deal with all this. That is what gets me the most...my beautiful daughter. I try not to think about that aspect of things. My heart breaks. I worry about the boys, especially Matthew. We are so close and I know he is soooooo angry about what is going with me. He does not know the extent of things at this time but he knows the cancer is back. His heart is broken, his emotions go back and forth from sad, mad, angry, loving and just wanting this to not be happening. He is my little man with a sensitive heart and I know it is breaking inside. Jacob is younger and I don't think he will truly understand the depth of things until he is older.
There are so many things that run through my mind on a daily basis, so many words of Shauna "wisdom's", lol! So many things I want to share while I can. I want to share the good and the bad because with honesty, it will hopefully help another young woman in my situation. it may help the friends and family of myself and others deal with and come to terms with their own feelings on a terrible situation and maybe...just maybe, help people understand what we may or may not need from them as our loved ones.
Death is a hard thing for people to deal with in the first place, throw in a younger person, mother, someone so brilliantly witty such as myself {haha}, and it makes things that much harder. I love life, the good and the bad of it, like no other. For every situation under the sun there is a lesson to be learned.
I want to share a piece of myself with you, I want to bring understanding, I want people to know that it is ok to be pissed off but it is also ok to have acceptance of what is and what will be. Life is what you make it...it does not matter how long you live but how well you live. Through the hardest times and mistakes you receive the most wonderful gift of learning from them, becoming a better person but most of all...you learn to truly love yourself, who you are, the defining moments {both good and bad} that make you who you are, and most of all, you learn to speak your truth because at the end of the day that is what matters.
So, I am asking for you to share in my experiences, my ups & downs, my happiness, my sadness, my moments that make my life mine. As I said, somethings may be too much. I have told myself if I am going to do this, I am going to be incredibly honest about what I am going through, my feelings and of course...live, laugh & love as much as I can through it all!
Lots of love! :)
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