It is from a young woman, who like me had stage 4 cancer. Her cancer, however, was skin cancer. But I think the feelings are universal in nature to most late stage cancer patients. She, like me, is naturally a positive person, did everything possible the first time to kick cancers ass and also like me, would have continued to do so if there was ANY chance of cure. I have had some similar feelings like this {although not as strong as hers} whenever someone gives me "advice" on how and what I should do to be "cured". I can imagine she was incredibly frustrated when she wrote this post.
From my own experience, I know at first its easy to smile, say "thank you for your thoughts, I will look into them", to help people feel better and like they are doing something positive to change an outcome they are not ready for, nor want to, deal with. However, as the emails roll in on different treatments available, as people stop you on the street to tell you what worked for Jimmy or Janice and state their thoughts on what I should be eating, drinking, what kind of workout I should be doing, the time I should be spending meditating, etc., etc.; it starts to drain you, upset you. It makes you feel like people all of a sudden don't trust that you know what is right for you and your life. That doing something they don't agree with is in someway perceived as giving up or the wrong thing to do, when really its about doing what feels right to that individual. I feel her words, her frustration.
I also understand, it is a difficult thing to process, to accept. However, every cancer is different for every person. What may have worked for your aunt Ruth may not be the answer for your cousin Sally. On top of that, every single person has a say in their medical care, and most, like myself, have amazing doctors that share all information with them. This includes both eastern medicine and western medicine, to help with their quality of life and help the individual make the medical choices that feels right to them physically, spiritually and emotionally.
We'd much rather our family, friends, loved ones {and ourselves} deal with what is, accept it and look for the ways to make each day the best one yet when we wake up every morning. To find a way to smile; even when that's the last thing you want to do; to move forward no matter what cards were played out for you. I may not like what was dealt to me but I do not feel sorry for myself nor am I wanting you to feel sorry for me. I just want to help pass on understanding, to remind people that every day is a wonderful gift where we can show someone a smile, do something nice for a friend or stranger, tell the ones you care about that you love them; you appreciate them. In the realm of this blog, it's to help people support the ones they love in ways that truly matter when they are diagnosed terminal.
Above all and foremost, I want to remind people that I am positive, strong willed, incredibly stubborn {ask my family & friends, lol} and will always hope for the best. Sometimes, that is not enough...sometimes shit happens & it sucks! But I will never give up, never!
These are Sarah's words:
"I guess I just want to scream: Yes, bad things happen to good people! Good things happen to bad people! There is such thing as being lucky and unlucky, and a lot of what happens in this life is absolutely random! Take that Oprah!
I'm just so tired of feeling like this is my fault or people implying that I can change it with visualization or positive thinking. Let me see you cure your next cold with positive thinking, and let me see you cure your next bout of food poisoning by visualizing an army of white blood cells attacking the bacteria! That would never occur to these people, but somehow they think that cancer is different? Ya, it's different, it is a hell of a lot more serious, powerful, sneaky and deadly! It is also incurable at late stages.
Most people that are cured were lucky enough to have the cancer discovered at an early stage. Plain and simple. There are 4 stages of cancer, each stage tells you how far the cancer has spread from the primary location. 90% of breast cancer patients are cured. Same with melanoma. That is because almost 90% get the cancer cut out surgically at stage 1 or 2. They had some sign of the cancer early on in the disease and got it removed before it spread. The people that die are almost all (there are exceptions to the rule) comprised of people who were unfortunate in that their disease wasn't discovered early because there were no symptoms, or they were misdiagnosed, or they ignored the symptoms until stage 3 or 4.
When you find out if someone has cancer, find out what stage they are to know how serious it is and how likely they are to survive. All cancer diagnoses are not equal, as our media would have us believe. A lot of the "warriors" and "survivors" that we see on tv, I've mentioned Sheryl Crow before, we are led to believe survived because of sheer determination, positivity and strength of character. Nope, I dare say, they survived because they had itty bitty cancers in situ that have less than a 10% chance of spreading! Then they sometimes go through radiation or chemo on top of surgery just to make sure that the cancer doesn't come back.
Sure, the treatment sucks and they were scared, and lives changed forever. But the media makes them out to be these rays of hope and living testaments to the power of will and determination, when in fact, they were just damn lucky. The media perpetuates the myth that cancer can be beaten with positive thinking by not presenting us with the facts of the disease.
Lance Armstrong. Here is a lucky guy. Sure, his testicular cancer spread to his lungs and brain making him a stage 4 cancer patient, but wouldn't ya know it, Lance Armstrong happened to get one of the few cancers that are curable at stage 4! Even with metastases to the brain, our beloved Lance STILL had a 50% chance of surviving long term! Lance was lucky that only a few years before his diagnosis an effective chemotherapy agent was discovered to cure many cases of advanced testicular cancer! When breast or melanoma cancers spread to the brain one has less than a 5% chance of surviving five years because there is no cure for stage 4 of these diseases. What Lance had to go through to get cured was horrifying, but it was no miracle that he survived. And it wasn't because he was some kind of super human, a pillar of strength and determination. It wasn't because, as he says, he just refused to die. It was because he called heads and that's where the coin landed. He had a 50-50 shot at his very worst. My cancer hasn't spread to any organs and I have way less than a 50-50 shot at survival because there are no effective treatments yet. Lance Armstrong didn't survive because he is a good person, a strong person or because he wanted to live more than anyone else does. His got dealt a good last hand.
Dana Reeve died of lung cancer, only months after she was diagnosed, as most lung cancer patients do because symptoms do not present until a later stage, when it is incurable. Some suggested that she unconsciously just wanted to be with her late husband, Christopher Reeve, or that she brought it on herself by not taking care of herself while tending to Chris for all those years. The cancer myth in reverse. The truth is that Linda, from all outward appearances, was full of light, life, and positivity. She exuded peace, happiness, and strength in any interview I ever saw with her. She was unlucky that cancer developed in her, and doubly unlucky that she got a cancer that had a bad prognosis from the beginning. Simple as that. Life is not always fair, bad things happen to good people for no reason that we can understand.
I'm just going with the flow. What will be, will be. I think that is a totally ok way to go about coping with this illness. I hope for the best, but I am realistic. We hear those stories of survivors who beat all odds, and attribute it to something they did or thought, when we have no idea why they made it and no doctor would claim to know. For every person that was "healed" by a healer or some herbal concoction, there are thousands more that healed spontaneously on their own. Because it does happen. Most people, who survive advanced cancer, don't do anything special. And most people that do something special or extreme; die. That's the truth, reality. I live in reality and I'm sick and tired of ignorant misinformed but well-meaning people offering their misguided advice because if I reject it, they conclude in their minds that I just don't care about myself enough to "fight". Bullshit." -Que Sarah, Sarah
Well said Sarah Toller! RIP
February 7, 1977 - June 12, 2007
Your words live on...
~~~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~~~
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